There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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