They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
