i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
