i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
