dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
