how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
