She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
