Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
