i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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