Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
