if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Randomize
