Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
