I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You are the jesus of drinking
i need some magic done to my vagina
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
