o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
