I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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