if you like me you must not know who I am
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize