Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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