The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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