dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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