mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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