She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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