Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
