I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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