Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize