and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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