I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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