i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize