I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Randomize
