I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
