Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
