For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
