My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
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While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
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you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We are all done wearing pants today
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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