The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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