WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Oh god it's open bar.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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