i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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