I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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