last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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