I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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