I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
