Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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