Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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