I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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