Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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