Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
