My room smells like vodka and shame
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize