put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize