he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
