im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
