see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
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Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
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They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
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