It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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