Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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