Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
