I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You're a waste of cheezeits
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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